Saturday, May 30, 2009 It's so sad and painfully ironic when you realise that you have morphed into a person you once despised. All the self-righteous debates with classmates, the poems and songs you wrote that convey your individualistic thoughts, the self-empowerment you get when you realise that your ideals and opinions are so different from others, (that you feel special, brave and proud of yourself) are all gone when pragmatism and expectations intrude. But what you thought will happen after you forsake all that you stood for did not, instead you're stuck in the worst situation ever, and left to wonder if all that you've done is worth it.
Then you have to face your family and friends who thought the best of you, who thought all will come naturally to you just because you're the 'smartest in the family', when in actual fact you come far too short when you're out the house. You see your closed ones trying to avoid you so that they don't have to confront about the situation, you hear your closed ones trying to console and even attacking the shortcomings of the system so you will feel better, but you know they don't really feel that way, they are as pessimistic as you are. Then you try not to say anything because when you do, you will start crying. And you don't want to appear any more vulnerable than you already are. But you have to say something, so you start saying things like how you should have gotten a place, how the competition is way too tough, how you almost made it, how there must have been a mistake, how your teacher said that "you will get a place.", in short- things you say when you're in denial when deep down, you know that you're simply just not good enough.
The most painful thing is when you're writing all of this, you're referring to yourself and all of these are happening right now, right here, to you.
and all you can do now is hope. Helplessly.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 Love his accent.
Sitting beside you in school While we'd paint I'd make you laugh Mine was never very good Yours looked exactly like the photograph Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you
I don't always get the way you feel But now I've learned to live with that It's like I'm a part of something real I was hitting the bottle, now I've broke the seal Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you
And the sun sets the scene While the rain misses me And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you
Monday, May 11, 2009 He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens as close a heartbeat or a song on her lips someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him someday He'll call her and she will come running and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray.
Sunday, May 10, 2009 Update: OMG AND THIS!!!
Unforgetful You- Jars of Clay
I remember I loved this song so much in Primary 4 and thought it was so awesome that I wished I wrote it. HAHA.
I miss songs from this era:
You're an Ocean by Fastball
These 2 months are the worst months of my entire 19 years of living.
Thursday, April 23, 2009 John, we can't wait.
Half of My Heart
I was born in the arms of imaginary friends Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been Then you come crashing in Like the realest thing Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring