Monday, August 22, 2005using my bro's comp right now.i came across his blog by accident, and i noe it isnt exactly right, but i read most of his entries.about how he feels abt life, his nice pics, his beautiful poems and stories, and how he feels abt my dad.
reading his entries, i can tell how much he misses my dad. but he nvr says it.better dan me at least, i dun even blog abt it. i talk abt my dad's death, but i dun tok abt how much i miss him. my bro wrote'i miss my father and his cigarette smell' and 'how he would tell me to look out for cars whenever i go out' wen i read dis, it struck me on how much i miss my dad.and i miss whenever he would tel me to look out for cars wen i only wen downstairs and get food.or how he always wanted me to kiss him on d cheek wen i want to slp.i miss d care and concern i've gotten frm him. wen he was alive, i overlook his gd points, only wen he is in d hospital. i began to realise dat he had always been a gd father.but at dat time, i know he's going, so it was too late.
i was not a gd daughter to him.wenever he wans to talk to me abt his old memories, i became bored and wasnt afraid of showing it.i was so rude to him. i dun tok to him like how a daughter shld tok to her father.i boss him around, i scld him for smoking.and i was nvr sorry, until he left.i refuse to go see him for d last time cos i was ashamed.i din noe how to react.my mum said dat he was waiting for me, until he noes i am beside his hospital bed, he will noe its time to go.so i went in. and almost immediately, i went out.dan my brother came out and told me my dad has gone, i jus stood and cry.dan i began to regret all d things dat i am sorry for, but i cant even say dat 'i'm sorry' or how much i love him.it was alll too late.dat is y i always tel ppl not to fight wif their parents over trival matters, it might not seem lyk a small matter to u, but it is.not worth it to regret afterwards.
i always want to talk to ppl abt my dad, not bcos i wan pity frm dem, but bcos i dun wan ppl to regret, like how i did.and it is always gd to tok to ppl abt it, better to kp it all inside amd explode one day.
sumtimes i think i am pretending to b strong, ppl think i am strong bcos i am still happy after my dad's death, so dat is y i feel obliged to b strong, bcos i dun wan ppl to worry abt me,but i cant b strong always, dat is y sumtimes i jus break down and lyk tok abt my weak points, and for dat , ppl think i want pity.but dun always ppl feel bad abt themselves sumtimes?and dey jus wan to tok abt it wif their frns.so mus i always remain strong in front of ppl so dey wun b lyk suprised wen i appear to b weak? i am not pitying myself or wanting to get pity frm ppl, i am jus being a human.now i hav to stop myself frm saying things dat wil make me look as if i am pitying myself, it will b hard, as i said, i am not as strong as wad ppl think i am.
right, today is screwed up btw.i am so screwed up nowadays la.how sad it is wen u found out dat yr frn think of you as d exact opposite on wad u think she thinks of you.i dun reallly give a damn on wad other ppl, meaning not my frns, think of me cos dey duno me so i wun b too affected bcos of it.but it is wen i noe my frn thinks of me like how those ppl think of me dat i would b affected cos she's my frn, she's supposed to noe me for a long time to noe i am not wad she thinks i am.so y is she dropping me subtle hints dat i wan to b popular or like i wan to b a bung? she has known me for almost 3 yrs! and she thinks of me dat way? how sad is dat man.i used to trust her, which i stopped lyk at d beggining of d yr.ARGH.my week is ruined bcos of her man.but she 's entitled to her own opinions la.i am jus hurt by dat fact .which is jus adding another point on the 'y u should not trust a person so much' list.
ooookkkkk.....dis is a looooooong entry. i am sorry. :(