Saturday, May 30, 2009It's so sad and painfully ironic when you realise that you have morphed into a person you once despised. All the self-righteous debates with classmates, the poems and songs you wrote that convey your individualistic thoughts, the self-empowerment you get when you realise that your ideals and opinions are so different from others, (that you feel special, brave and proud of yourself) are all gone when pragmatism and expectations intrude. But what you thought will happen after you forsake all that you stood for did not, instead you're stuck in the worst situation ever, and left to wonder if all that you've done is worth it.
Then you have to face your family and friends who thought the best of you, who thought all will come naturally to you just because you're the 'smartest in the family', when in actual fact you come far too short when you're out the house. You see your closed ones trying to avoid you so that they don't have to confront about the situation, you hear your closed ones trying to console and even attacking the shortcomings of the system so you will feel better, but you know they don't really feel that way, they are as pessimistic as you are. Then you try not to say anything because when you do, you will start crying. And you don't want to appear any more vulnerable than you already are. But you have to say something, so you start saying things like how you should have gotten a place, how the competition is way too tough, how you almost made it, how there must have been a mistake, how your teacher said that "you will get a place.", in short- things you say when you're in denial when deep down, you know that you're simply just not good enough.
The most painful thing is when you're writing all of this, you're referring to yourself and all of these are happening right now, right here, to you.
and all you can do now is hope. Helplessly.